i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
