My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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