chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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