Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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