Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
