Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
