My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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