i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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