oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
