my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
