so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
