I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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