so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
This toilet bowl is my home.
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