well I can't set my house on fire every night
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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