oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
