He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
