Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
