Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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