I just threw up on my dentist
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
