not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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