Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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