I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
