My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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