I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
