he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
