There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
