I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
my being single is dangerous.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
