I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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