1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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