God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
