guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
