Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
