you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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