there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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