I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Panties = found
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
