Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
