My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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