I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
