Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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