If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
