Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
