I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
