I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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