I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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