how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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