I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Brb crying the tears of my youth
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
