Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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