Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
