I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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