Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Randomize
