We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
