She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Come share oat with me in your robe
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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