Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He has the fingertips of a God
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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