If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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